I’ve won, I’ve won, I’ve won! I’ve won the million dirhams raffle!
When will I ever be able to say it? I have practiced it so often, matched it with the right facial expressions of joy and surprise. Got the whole act down to pat and the call still does not come. After having lived in Dubai for an endless number of DSFs and DSSes coupled with summer draws and assorted bonanzas, after having bought every raffle ticket from the finest surprise to the grand raffle draw, to ‘support your favourite charity’ I have still not won a million dirhams. Not even a four-wheel drive. Not even a hundred dirhams gift voucher.
I just don’t win anything. Well, once I actually won a coffee mug in a scratch and win but that was out of fifteen coupons that I was given on an accumulated purchase of three thousand dirhams spent on, umm…well…alright, clothes. Alright, alright, a single outfit. But that’s not the point. The coffee mug is. It had a pretty little logo on it, just like the one on my outfit. But really, that’s about all I have ever won.
The newspapers are full of photographs, people smiling away while they display larger than life cheques with endless zeros on them or holding up enormous keys to shiny new cars. Who are these people? Yes, I know the names are given right below the photographs, I read them too. None of them sound like Shabnam Pathak.
Who are these people who win prizes? A colleague once told me that to win the finest surprise you had to be a carpenter whose visa has just got cancelled. Or a maid who had an ailing mother. Or at the very least you had to be a one year old whose doting parents just knew that was the lucky name. Can’t do anything about the first two but tried putting in coupons with the name of my one year old. He’s almost tweleve now and nothing yet.
Maybe it was the phone number that was unlucky. Started putting in the residence number, then a friend’s number (after warning him there may be a call for me on that number and he must quickly give my other number) That did not work either.
Changed the spelling of my name. Put in the coupons with only the first name, put in the coupons with only the phone number, put in coupons with the whole familys’ name on one coupon! Also took a cab from one mall to another to drop in the coupons because that was my lucky mall. Totaled the number on a ticket before buying it.
Consulted my horoscope, numerology, feng shui, and even tarot cards. Done it all. I still won’t win anything. What’s more, I don’t even know anybody who has won anything really worthwhile. I don’t even know anybody, who knows anybody else who has won a million dirhams or a brand new Porsche.
Conversations like “Hey guess what, my golf partner just won a million dirhams and he’s taking me along on a world tour to celebrate!” these sort of conversations just don’t happen in the circles I move around in. Not even, “ We’ve won two free tickets to Hawaii that expire next month but little Johnny has the measles so why don’t you take the tickets and we’ll feel good about you having a nice time!”
Years ago, when I first came to Dubai, one could always quiet the conscience after a big shopping binge by thinking “ Now if I just fill in all forty-five coupons and win the million dirhams everything will be taken care of.” But now I’ve got a writer’s cramp filling in raffle coupons and a hole in my pocket buying ‘winning’ tickets and investing in ‘lucky’ certificates.
Maybe they should have insurance policies for ‘winning’ tickets that don’t win and ‘lucky’ certificates that don’t get lucky. Something like “In the event of having participated in all draws for ten years and the law of averages never having caught up with you, the insurer is entitled to three four-wheel drives and a million dirhams in cash.”
Fine print: Subject to this insurance policy being pulled out in the lucky draw to celebrate the 100 years of operations of the insurance company!
What do you think?